This started as snarky response to the "Random List of 25 Things" craze that was sweeping through Facebook. I thought I'd take the piss out of it by doing 25 Random Lists of 25 Things. It turned into something else, as it carried on. It dawned me eventually that snark wasnt enough, if i wanted to comment on these lists... I'd need to undermine their false sense of intimacy by actually being painfully intimate.
I think I can develop this into something more literary yet, though. This is just my first version of what will be a long term project with lists.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
25 RANDOM LISTS OF 25 THINGS (21-25)
25 BOOKS SITTING IN THE "TO BE READ" PILES AROUND THE HOUSE (List 21 of 25)
(I'm just gonna write down the 1st 25 I find in stacks)
1. The History of Sexuality: An Introduction Vol. 1 (Foucault, Michel)
2. The Gift: Poems by Hafiz, The Great Sufi Master (Translated by Daniel Ladinsky)
3. Love Is a Dog From Hell: Poems 1974-1977 (Charles Bukowski)
4. Selected Poems (James Tate)
5. Situationist Anthology (ed. and translated by Ken Knabb)
6. Our Undemocratic Constitution: Where the Constitution Goes Wrong - And How We The People Can Correct It (Levinson, Sanford)
7. Fire To Fire: New and Selected Poems (Doty, Mark)
8. The Ubu Plays: Ubu Rex, Ubu Cuckolded, Ubu Enchained (Jarry, Alfred)
9. Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man (McLuhan, Marshall)
10. The Consolations of Philosophy: Neitzcshe, Schopenhauer, Montaigne, Socrates, Epicurus, Seneca (De Boton, Alain)
11. The Shia Revival: How Conflicts Within Islam Will Shape The Future (Nasr, Vali)
12. Islam: A Short History (Armstrong, Karen)
13. Guide (Cooper, Dennis)
14. Try (Cooper, Dennis)
15. The Terminal Beach (Ballard, J.G.)
16. The Crystal World/Crash/Concrete Island (Ballard, J.G.)
17. Against Nature (Huysmans, J.K.)
18. Selected Poems (Williams, William Carlos)
19. The Anatomy of Fascism (Paxton, Robert O.)
20. A History of the World in 6 Glasses (Standage, Tom) - A popular non-fiction about the historical importance of 6 drinks (Coffee, Tea, Spirits, Beer, Wine, Coca Cola)
21. Blowback: The Costs and Consequences of American Empire (Johnson, Chalmers)
22. The Last Empire: Essays 1992 - 2000 (Vidal, Gore)
23. The Wind Birds: Shorebirds of North America - The Curious Naturalist Series (Matthiessen, Peter)
24. Polysexuality (ed. Francois Peraldi)
25. India After Ghandi: The History of the World's Largest Democracy (Guha, Ramachandra)
* Adendum: Books I am currently reading:
Cycads of the World: Ancient Plants in Today's Landscape (Jones, David L.)
Good Sex Illustrated (Duvert, Tony) - A critique of modern consumer society sexuality
The Garden of Peculiarities (Sepulveda, Jesus) - A critique of ideology and human imposed order on theworld
Tortoises Terrapins and Turtles of Africa (Branch, Bill)
Star Wars Omnibus: Rise of the Sith (Graphic Novel)
25 NAMES A FRIEND AND I CONSIDERED WHEN WE THOUGHT ABOUT FORMING A BAND
(List 22 of 25)
1. Putrid Ursine Semen
2. Un
3. Booboo Kitty
4. God Hates Fags
5. The President Has Syphilis
6. The Love of a Good Man
7. RAKOON!
8. Llama Jockeys
9. Draconian Measures
10. Riga, Latvia 1939
11. Teach Me How to Fuck
12. An Inordinate Fondness for Beetles
13. The Herpetology of Style
14. Making Strange Animal Noises At Strangers
15. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me!
16. Homosexual Desire & Speed Racer
17. Failure in the Face of Catastrophe
18. Oh My God Brandon Lee Is So Fucking Hot!
19. Grendel
20. The Gay Agenda
21. Necrotic Fasciitis
22. Ducks Make Things Better
23. Davey and Goliath
24. CATERPILLAR
25. We'll Eat Your Children, No Seriously We Will!
* I want to call a band "The Dennis Cooper Hates Your Family"
25 LISTS THAT I JUST COULDN'T MAKE WORK (List 23 of 25)
1. 25 Favorite Uses of Cabbage. I fucking love cabbage, but 25? Couldn't make that work. Um... Kim Chee, Apple Vinegar Cole Slaw, erm...
2. 25 Boys (who are not my bf) That I Most Wanna Have The Gay Sex On Right Now. See, most of the guys I want to have the gay sex on right now are kind of obscure or this friend of a friend of mine type of thing. There just aren't enough of my friends across the board who would get most of them. Demetri Martin (Comedian), Mark Doten (writer), Jorma Taconne (comedian/actor), etc... there's just too much explanation.
3. I was gonna do something about pro-wrestling, but I couldnt figure out any thing worthy of taking up the last 3 spots in the series. Um, Chris Benoit killed his family...uh, I wanna fuck the Straight Edge guy in WWE, eh... rats!
4. Snakes? I have a few friends that would literally shit their pants over this one, so in the end it didn’t seem worth it... Fuck It! I may do it anyways.
5. I was gonna do a list on 25 catastrophes that will wipe us all out, but that didn't really seem personal enough. It was just scary and informative. That's what blogs are for. The meteor Apophis, all the bees are dying out bringing 1/3 of our food crops and most of our ecosystems with them...
6. 25 of the Worst Things I Ever Said to People. I couldn’t figure this one out. It's so subjective especially from this side, and I couldn’t make 25 out of it.
7. Things around the house I bothered to get framed; a couple of Audubon prints, an antiquish looking Mercator Projection Map, blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
8. My 25 Favorite Desserts. Meh.
9. If I were gonna leave the planet, what are 25 objects I'd take with me. Meh.
10. If I was allowed 25 Free Kills, who would I dust off? That just seemed hateful.
11. The 25 Most Beautiful Things I Ever Saw In Nature. I just didn't feel like doing a travel log type thing. Although I should mention the Kalalau Trail on the Na Pali Coast of Kauai, the reddest dirt against the bluest ocean, and the greenery, it didn’t look real in person.
12. I thought about doing another 25 favorite albums, Punk albums maybe? 2 album lists is enough though.
13. Along with favorite music lists, I thought about 25 favorite bands. Again, I kind of got the music out of the way. Abe Vigoda, Crystal Castles, Xiu Xiu, The Cure, Joy Division...
14. I was gonna include my favorite poets, but I thought the only way to do that justice was to include a poem from every poet. I just wasn't willing to make a list that long.
15. 25 Public Intellectuals I'm in Love With. Again, I just thought a list, to do them justice, would have to be to long for this format. Sagan, Dennis Cooper, Darwin, David Attenborrough...
16. Along the lines of my favorite bands, I was thinking about 25 favorite bands/artists not enough people know well. Telstar Ponies, Diane Cluck, Amon Tobin...
17. 25 Languages I wish I could speak and why. Maybe if I had more time. Meh.
18. My 25 favorite curses/insults in traffic, like "FUCK YOU, YOU CUM CATCHING SASQUATCH!", but I couldnt think of 25 quality exclamations.
19. 25 Favorite Species of Plant. I know, I know believe me. Succulents though, really.
20. I was going to do 25 of the worst things about me, things I've done and or am, but that seemed too much in one place. I mean, there is a limit to my embarrassing public intimacy. I'll just leak it all out over time.
21. 25 Places I Have Jerked Off That May Surprise You. Enough said, I may still frequent some of those places, so best not to say. Watch where you step!
22. 25 Favorite Porn Models/Actors. Well, to do this justice, I would have to show you some pics that would most likely get my profile on FB shut down. Twinks twinks twinks. That's what porn blogs are for.
23. 25 Resolutions for the next decade. Coming up with 25 would just be depressing, so I'll just quietly come up with 10. Although, hey, I'd like to learn another language and to play one musical instrument, start a band or something.
24. I was gonna come up with 25 t-shirt slogans I have been craving. "If God didn't want us to eat children, he wouldn't have made them out of meat" Shit like that, but I just didn’t feel like coming up with 25.
25. I was gonna do 25 of my favorite works of art, but hmmm. I should. Maybe.
25 THINGS I LIKE THEMS THE PRECIOUSES (List 24 of 25)
(Fuck it the random slot things todays...)
1. YOUNG HARE, Albrecht Durer
2. RHINOCEROS, Durer
3. Ponda Baba
4. Monkeys overthrowing their oppressor
5. Random Street Art, like Milk Panda (Banksey)
6. Lonely Cowboy (Murakami)
7. Yoshitomo Nara's children in animal garb
8. Bouddha (Odilon Redon)
9. Robert Sherer's suggestiveness
10. Hokusai's waves
11. Stag Boy (Emma Wolf)
12. Catbus and TOTORO!!! (Miyazaki)
13. The Black Sun
14. Japanese tattoos and smooth boy ass
15. The Blackfoot
16. Yukio Mishima in high school
17. Gothic Furbeeeeeee
18. The Pak'ma'ra
19. Conor Oberst
20. My friend is sleeping. I dare you to wake him up.
21. Male Bonding
22. Defiance
23. Jesse Starr, Helix Studios
24. Japanese/Mexican Pro-wrestling, Ultimo Dragon back kicks Juventud Guerrera
25. Kota Ibushi, Pro-Wrestling NOAH, grawrrrrrrr
26. Evolution
27. Hot boys with kittens, like Andrew from MGMT
28. Ceiling Cat
29. Jabba the Hutt, asshole.
Ha ha ha, I used a strange prime number, and I went over 25. Fuck you Facebook community!!!
25 THINGS THAT KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING (List 25 of 25)
(When I lay down at night, my mind fills with thoughts that had been held at bay all day long…)
01. Sometimes I start thinking about the goals of Anarchism, and wonder if they are actionable and achievable... can we enact a system in which all authority (being derived erroneously) is cast off and then continuously subordinated?
02. I start dwelling on how young my mother was when she died (52), and the only great regret of her death (for me). All that she wanted to do and never did, everything that she wanted to see and never did. Could I have helped more in getting them to her in her last days? I know I did what I could, but I think about it. She never saw Paris.
03. One of my obsessions is this fear of missing out on things (not getting to see IT/THEM/ALL). I still obsess over this a bit. This really is such a broad fear that it's difficult to narrow for you. Music, places, people... all of it. What the fuck am I missing out on?
04. The great weight of my ambitions. Although I wouldn't classify myself as particularly ambitious, at least not in a traditional way of looking at it, I suppose I have my great drives to achieve certain things. The great weight of EVERYTHING I have yet to do, that I desire, the great onslaught of it enters the mind when I lay down and quiet for the night.
05. I'm pretty sure I could reconfigure aspects of 2ndary education in the U.S., and I sometimes plan out (in my head and in some detail) that set up.
06. How the hell am I gonna live up to my ideals? Am I? Fuck. That whole punk ethos thing... Community, Idealism, Autonomy, Transgression, Resistance and Rebellion. Can I?
07. Someone once told me that I dream in lists. I list lists. I have always loved lists, categories, hierarchies... hierarchical categorized lists, evolutionary clades, etc. Some times in the still darkness I start making endless lists. How many European frog species can I name? All the countries in the world. How many blond guys can I list whom I want to have sex on?
08. So the sexual lists, which always manage to turn me on of course, often evolve into these elaborate multiparty sexual fantasies, where I imagine all kinds of details and locations and combinations of partners and who's wearing what. They turn into these epic sexual fantasies that need an hour or 2 to construct. Don't say it, I know, I know. Hmmmm, I'm a lifeguard at a YMCA in NYC with Zac Efron and Eric and that guy who used to go running on the beach in Virginia and the following people are frequent visitors... get it?
09. Sometimes a particular sexual obsession grabs hold of my mind in the dark, and I can't shake off... my friend___________ (I'm not brave enough to be honest this time) or that hot young dad who brings his kids to the park where I work. I toss and turn and think of them doing the most depraved things for hours, you know.
10. I'm often just blindly horny, and need to jerk off and look at porn.
11. Rap lyrics. Fa reals... no, I'm serious.
12. A poem or one of these lists or a science article starts forming itself in my head, because all it needed was this silence to let itself be heard.
13. Because once, someone didn't love me who should have.
14. I would really like to get to know you better, but I'm not sure what that would be like or how you actually feel about me. If we hung out at a cafe, would we have anything in common? What would we talk about?
15. I will admit to you and only you, that I start thinking about Star Wars in great detail.
16. My mother died in a Hospice. It was a relatively warm place, especially compared to a hospital room. We were all there with her for those final 3 days. We even brought Shadow (the beloved cat). My Mom wanted, more than anything, to go home again before she died. She never did. It was from the hospital to the Hospice. She just wanted to go home again.
17. I wish she were here now. I wish she could see who I've become. I wish we could talk again, hold one conversation. There's so much to tell her, since... so much happened. Just once.
18. I wonder what that pain is? I've been peeing strangely this week too, too often? Why do I feel so awful this week? What if I have cancer too? Maybe I have cancer. I hope I don't have cancer. It's not cancer, you just need more sleep. What is that bump?
19. Every once in great while, I get this completely baseless sense of paranoia about violent crime or home invasion in the middle of the night? What's that noise? Did I lock all the doors and windows? Maybe when the door was unlocked for 10 minutes earlier, some one snuck in and is hiding in a closet. It's very rare, and only happens when I'm in bed and alone.
(* I swear to god, I'm not paranoid. This just happens in the middle of the night)
20. Did you hear what that motherfucker said to me? Who does that bitch think she is? You know what I'd say to her (should have said)?
21. Someone wronged me, badly. It doesn't have to have been recently. It could have been years and years ago. I still remember that Scott kid, very very handsome guy, from 6th gr... never mind. Anyways, I get the most violent fantasies about things I'd like to do to people, any range of just kicking the shit out of them to... well. Years ago I used to imagine that I had hanged an acquaintance from a tree by his feet about 3 feet of the ground and would drive into him with a pick up truck to see how high I could make him swing. Yeah, I know.
22. I think I'm tensing my neck too much at work or in traffic or something.
23. Sometimes I've seen a movie, and something in it has troubled me enough that I can't stop thinking about it. The Anton Shigur character in No Country for Old Men. I just kept picking that story apart and thinking about it. I was fucking angry, frankly. Well that happens every few months.
24. I'll start worrying about an incomplete lesson plan, or even complete lesson plans that I worry may not work with the kids the next day. I start imagining the kids not responding to some activity, and worrying about it. Worry, obsess, worry, wonder, "maybe instead we out to...", shrug it off and fall asleep.
25. Wow, I really like the way my inner thigh feels. Yeah. That feels great. Man, the back of my balls are amazing. You should totally feel this.
My mother never saw Paris.
I think about Star Wars too much.
I think I'm tensing my neck too much in traffic.
I will fuck that guy up, yeah, he's in for it!
Would we have anything to talk about?
The Midwife Toad (Alytes obstetricans) with its eggs in tow, one of many frogs of Europe
Blond Boys...
Did I mention elaborate sexual fantasies involving college sports teams?
(I'm just gonna write down the 1st 25 I find in stacks)
1. The History of Sexuality: An Introduction Vol. 1 (Foucault, Michel)
2. The Gift: Poems by Hafiz, The Great Sufi Master (Translated by Daniel Ladinsky)
3. Love Is a Dog From Hell: Poems 1974-1977 (Charles Bukowski)
4. Selected Poems (James Tate)
5. Situationist Anthology (ed. and translated by Ken Knabb)
6. Our Undemocratic Constitution: Where the Constitution Goes Wrong - And How We The People Can Correct It (Levinson, Sanford)
7. Fire To Fire: New and Selected Poems (Doty, Mark)
8. The Ubu Plays: Ubu Rex, Ubu Cuckolded, Ubu Enchained (Jarry, Alfred)
9. Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man (McLuhan, Marshall)
10. The Consolations of Philosophy: Neitzcshe, Schopenhauer, Montaigne, Socrates, Epicurus, Seneca (De Boton, Alain)
11. The Shia Revival: How Conflicts Within Islam Will Shape The Future (Nasr, Vali)
12. Islam: A Short History (Armstrong, Karen)
13. Guide (Cooper, Dennis)
14. Try (Cooper, Dennis)
15. The Terminal Beach (Ballard, J.G.)
16. The Crystal World/Crash/Concrete Island (Ballard, J.G.)
17. Against Nature (Huysmans, J.K.)
18. Selected Poems (Williams, William Carlos)
19. The Anatomy of Fascism (Paxton, Robert O.)
20. A History of the World in 6 Glasses (Standage, Tom) - A popular non-fiction about the historical importance of 6 drinks (Coffee, Tea, Spirits, Beer, Wine, Coca Cola)
21. Blowback: The Costs and Consequences of American Empire (Johnson, Chalmers)
22. The Last Empire: Essays 1992 - 2000 (Vidal, Gore)
23. The Wind Birds: Shorebirds of North America - The Curious Naturalist Series (Matthiessen, Peter)
24. Polysexuality (ed. Francois Peraldi)
25. India After Ghandi: The History of the World's Largest Democracy (Guha, Ramachandra)
* Adendum: Books I am currently reading:
Cycads of the World: Ancient Plants in Today's Landscape (Jones, David L.)
Good Sex Illustrated (Duvert, Tony) - A critique of modern consumer society sexuality
The Garden of Peculiarities (Sepulveda, Jesus) - A critique of ideology and human imposed order on theworld
Tortoises Terrapins and Turtles of Africa (Branch, Bill)
Star Wars Omnibus: Rise of the Sith (Graphic Novel)
25 NAMES A FRIEND AND I CONSIDERED WHEN WE THOUGHT ABOUT FORMING A BAND
(List 22 of 25)
1. Putrid Ursine Semen
2. Un
3. Booboo Kitty
4. God Hates Fags
5. The President Has Syphilis
6. The Love of a Good Man
7. RAKOON!
8. Llama Jockeys
9. Draconian Measures
10. Riga, Latvia 1939
11. Teach Me How to Fuck
12. An Inordinate Fondness for Beetles
13. The Herpetology of Style
14. Making Strange Animal Noises At Strangers
15. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me!
16. Homosexual Desire & Speed Racer
17. Failure in the Face of Catastrophe
18. Oh My God Brandon Lee Is So Fucking Hot!
19. Grendel
20. The Gay Agenda
21. Necrotic Fasciitis
22. Ducks Make Things Better
23. Davey and Goliath
24. CATERPILLAR
25. We'll Eat Your Children, No Seriously We Will!
* I want to call a band "The Dennis Cooper Hates Your Family"
25 LISTS THAT I JUST COULDN'T MAKE WORK (List 23 of 25)
1. 25 Favorite Uses of Cabbage. I fucking love cabbage, but 25? Couldn't make that work. Um... Kim Chee, Apple Vinegar Cole Slaw, erm...
2. 25 Boys (who are not my bf) That I Most Wanna Have The Gay Sex On Right Now. See, most of the guys I want to have the gay sex on right now are kind of obscure or this friend of a friend of mine type of thing. There just aren't enough of my friends across the board who would get most of them. Demetri Martin (Comedian), Mark Doten (writer), Jorma Taconne (comedian/actor), etc... there's just too much explanation.
3. I was gonna do something about pro-wrestling, but I couldnt figure out any thing worthy of taking up the last 3 spots in the series. Um, Chris Benoit killed his family...uh, I wanna fuck the Straight Edge guy in WWE, eh... rats!
4. Snakes? I have a few friends that would literally shit their pants over this one, so in the end it didn’t seem worth it... Fuck It! I may do it anyways.
5. I was gonna do a list on 25 catastrophes that will wipe us all out, but that didn't really seem personal enough. It was just scary and informative. That's what blogs are for. The meteor Apophis, all the bees are dying out bringing 1/3 of our food crops and most of our ecosystems with them...
6. 25 of the Worst Things I Ever Said to People. I couldn’t figure this one out. It's so subjective especially from this side, and I couldn’t make 25 out of it.
7. Things around the house I bothered to get framed; a couple of Audubon prints, an antiquish looking Mercator Projection Map, blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
8. My 25 Favorite Desserts. Meh.
9. If I were gonna leave the planet, what are 25 objects I'd take with me. Meh.
10. If I was allowed 25 Free Kills, who would I dust off? That just seemed hateful.
11. The 25 Most Beautiful Things I Ever Saw In Nature. I just didn't feel like doing a travel log type thing. Although I should mention the Kalalau Trail on the Na Pali Coast of Kauai, the reddest dirt against the bluest ocean, and the greenery, it didn’t look real in person.
12. I thought about doing another 25 favorite albums, Punk albums maybe? 2 album lists is enough though.
13. Along with favorite music lists, I thought about 25 favorite bands. Again, I kind of got the music out of the way. Abe Vigoda, Crystal Castles, Xiu Xiu, The Cure, Joy Division...
14. I was gonna include my favorite poets, but I thought the only way to do that justice was to include a poem from every poet. I just wasn't willing to make a list that long.
15. 25 Public Intellectuals I'm in Love With. Again, I just thought a list, to do them justice, would have to be to long for this format. Sagan, Dennis Cooper, Darwin, David Attenborrough...
16. Along the lines of my favorite bands, I was thinking about 25 favorite bands/artists not enough people know well. Telstar Ponies, Diane Cluck, Amon Tobin...
17. 25 Languages I wish I could speak and why. Maybe if I had more time. Meh.
18. My 25 favorite curses/insults in traffic, like "FUCK YOU, YOU CUM CATCHING SASQUATCH!", but I couldnt think of 25 quality exclamations.
19. 25 Favorite Species of Plant. I know, I know believe me. Succulents though, really.
20. I was going to do 25 of the worst things about me, things I've done and or am, but that seemed too much in one place. I mean, there is a limit to my embarrassing public intimacy. I'll just leak it all out over time.
21. 25 Places I Have Jerked Off That May Surprise You. Enough said, I may still frequent some of those places, so best not to say. Watch where you step!
22. 25 Favorite Porn Models/Actors. Well, to do this justice, I would have to show you some pics that would most likely get my profile on FB shut down. Twinks twinks twinks. That's what porn blogs are for.
23. 25 Resolutions for the next decade. Coming up with 25 would just be depressing, so I'll just quietly come up with 10. Although, hey, I'd like to learn another language and to play one musical instrument, start a band or something.
24. I was gonna come up with 25 t-shirt slogans I have been craving. "If God didn't want us to eat children, he wouldn't have made them out of meat" Shit like that, but I just didn’t feel like coming up with 25.
25. I was gonna do 25 of my favorite works of art, but hmmm. I should. Maybe.
25 THINGS I LIKE THEMS THE PRECIOUSES (List 24 of 25)
(Fuck it the random slot things todays...)
1. YOUNG HARE, Albrecht Durer
2. RHINOCEROS, Durer
3. Ponda Baba
4. Monkeys overthrowing their oppressor
5. Random Street Art, like Milk Panda (Banksey)
6. Lonely Cowboy (Murakami)
7. Yoshitomo Nara's children in animal garb
8. Bouddha (Odilon Redon)
9. Robert Sherer's suggestiveness
10. Hokusai's waves
11. Stag Boy (Emma Wolf)
12. Catbus and TOTORO!!! (Miyazaki)
13. The Black Sun
14. Japanese tattoos and smooth boy ass
15. The Blackfoot
16. Yukio Mishima in high school
17. Gothic Furbeeeeeee
18. The Pak'ma'ra
19. Conor Oberst
20. My friend is sleeping. I dare you to wake him up.
21. Male Bonding
22. Defiance
23. Jesse Starr, Helix Studios
24. Japanese/Mexican Pro-wrestling, Ultimo Dragon back kicks Juventud Guerrera
25. Kota Ibushi, Pro-Wrestling NOAH, grawrrrrrrr
26. Evolution
27. Hot boys with kittens, like Andrew from MGMT
28. Ceiling Cat
29. Jabba the Hutt, asshole.
Ha ha ha, I used a strange prime number, and I went over 25. Fuck you Facebook community!!!
25 THINGS THAT KEEP ME FROM SLEEPING (List 25 of 25)
(When I lay down at night, my mind fills with thoughts that had been held at bay all day long…)
01. Sometimes I start thinking about the goals of Anarchism, and wonder if they are actionable and achievable... can we enact a system in which all authority (being derived erroneously) is cast off and then continuously subordinated?
02. I start dwelling on how young my mother was when she died (52), and the only great regret of her death (for me). All that she wanted to do and never did, everything that she wanted to see and never did. Could I have helped more in getting them to her in her last days? I know I did what I could, but I think about it. She never saw Paris.
03. One of my obsessions is this fear of missing out on things (not getting to see IT/THEM/ALL). I still obsess over this a bit. This really is such a broad fear that it's difficult to narrow for you. Music, places, people... all of it. What the fuck am I missing out on?
04. The great weight of my ambitions. Although I wouldn't classify myself as particularly ambitious, at least not in a traditional way of looking at it, I suppose I have my great drives to achieve certain things. The great weight of EVERYTHING I have yet to do, that I desire, the great onslaught of it enters the mind when I lay down and quiet for the night.
05. I'm pretty sure I could reconfigure aspects of 2ndary education in the U.S., and I sometimes plan out (in my head and in some detail) that set up.
06. How the hell am I gonna live up to my ideals? Am I? Fuck. That whole punk ethos thing... Community, Idealism, Autonomy, Transgression, Resistance and Rebellion. Can I?
07. Someone once told me that I dream in lists. I list lists. I have always loved lists, categories, hierarchies... hierarchical categorized lists, evolutionary clades, etc. Some times in the still darkness I start making endless lists. How many European frog species can I name? All the countries in the world. How many blond guys can I list whom I want to have sex on?
08. So the sexual lists, which always manage to turn me on of course, often evolve into these elaborate multiparty sexual fantasies, where I imagine all kinds of details and locations and combinations of partners and who's wearing what. They turn into these epic sexual fantasies that need an hour or 2 to construct. Don't say it, I know, I know. Hmmmm, I'm a lifeguard at a YMCA in NYC with Zac Efron and Eric and that guy who used to go running on the beach in Virginia and the following people are frequent visitors... get it?
09. Sometimes a particular sexual obsession grabs hold of my mind in the dark, and I can't shake off... my friend___________ (I'm not brave enough to be honest this time) or that hot young dad who brings his kids to the park where I work. I toss and turn and think of them doing the most depraved things for hours, you know.
10. I'm often just blindly horny, and need to jerk off and look at porn.
11. Rap lyrics. Fa reals... no, I'm serious.
12. A poem or one of these lists or a science article starts forming itself in my head, because all it needed was this silence to let itself be heard.
13. Because once, someone didn't love me who should have.
14. I would really like to get to know you better, but I'm not sure what that would be like or how you actually feel about me. If we hung out at a cafe, would we have anything in common? What would we talk about?
15. I will admit to you and only you, that I start thinking about Star Wars in great detail.
16. My mother died in a Hospice. It was a relatively warm place, especially compared to a hospital room. We were all there with her for those final 3 days. We even brought Shadow (the beloved cat). My Mom wanted, more than anything, to go home again before she died. She never did. It was from the hospital to the Hospice. She just wanted to go home again.
17. I wish she were here now. I wish she could see who I've become. I wish we could talk again, hold one conversation. There's so much to tell her, since... so much happened. Just once.
18. I wonder what that pain is? I've been peeing strangely this week too, too often? Why do I feel so awful this week? What if I have cancer too? Maybe I have cancer. I hope I don't have cancer. It's not cancer, you just need more sleep. What is that bump?
19. Every once in great while, I get this completely baseless sense of paranoia about violent crime or home invasion in the middle of the night? What's that noise? Did I lock all the doors and windows? Maybe when the door was unlocked for 10 minutes earlier, some one snuck in and is hiding in a closet. It's very rare, and only happens when I'm in bed and alone.
(* I swear to god, I'm not paranoid. This just happens in the middle of the night)
20. Did you hear what that motherfucker said to me? Who does that bitch think she is? You know what I'd say to her (should have said)?
21. Someone wronged me, badly. It doesn't have to have been recently. It could have been years and years ago. I still remember that Scott kid, very very handsome guy, from 6th gr... never mind. Anyways, I get the most violent fantasies about things I'd like to do to people, any range of just kicking the shit out of them to... well. Years ago I used to imagine that I had hanged an acquaintance from a tree by his feet about 3 feet of the ground and would drive into him with a pick up truck to see how high I could make him swing. Yeah, I know.
22. I think I'm tensing my neck too much at work or in traffic or something.
23. Sometimes I've seen a movie, and something in it has troubled me enough that I can't stop thinking about it. The Anton Shigur character in No Country for Old Men. I just kept picking that story apart and thinking about it. I was fucking angry, frankly. Well that happens every few months.
24. I'll start worrying about an incomplete lesson plan, or even complete lesson plans that I worry may not work with the kids the next day. I start imagining the kids not responding to some activity, and worrying about it. Worry, obsess, worry, wonder, "maybe instead we out to...", shrug it off and fall asleep.
25. Wow, I really like the way my inner thigh feels. Yeah. That feels great. Man, the back of my balls are amazing. You should totally feel this.
My mother never saw Paris.
I think about Star Wars too much.
I think I'm tensing my neck too much in traffic.
I will fuck that guy up, yeah, he's in for it!
Would we have anything to talk about?
The Midwife Toad (Alytes obstetricans) with its eggs in tow, one of many frogs of Europe
Blond Boys...
Did I mention elaborate sexual fantasies involving college sports teams?
25 RANDOM LISTS OF 25 THINGS (16-20)
25 THINGS I PREFER TO DO OUTSIDE (List 16 of 25)
(weather and wildlife permitting)
1. I like playing with cats in the grass. Running a frail twig through the blades of grass or scraping it on the edge of concrete. Cats are meant to be played with outside.
2. Sleeping. I once fell asleep on the hood of my car in a canyon in UT while the Leonid meteor shower swept overhead. I like the air on me, the stars above.
3. Peeing. I'm a man god dammit! Why waste water?
4. Smoking a cigar.
5. Drinking a beer. Its better when there's a bit of heat and the bottle is sweating. I'll take a red stripe.
6. Showering. There aren't enough outdoor showers in the world. Beach, backyard, camping, whatever.
7. Felatio. I sucked my boyfriend off on the end of a trail at the river at Brazos Bend State Park. One of the best blowjobs I ever gave. Knees and cum in the dirt, birds singing in the trees.
8. Leisurely naps. I get to have sleeping and naps as 2 separate things cause its my fucking list. You know what I mean though, a hammock, a blanket in the grass on the Mall in DC?
9. I've never taken a bath outside, but I'm sure that would be better as well. I need an outside bathtub, deep clawfoot.
10. Listening to Crystal Castles real loud and making up wild dances based on animal movements.
11. Eating a mango. Just bite into it and let the juice go wherever it wants. If it gets all over you, just hose off, jump in the river, or fall backwards into the surf.
12. I would really like to have complete rough messy sex on a picnic table somewhere at night.
13. Restaurant dining seems better if there's a porch.
14. If I had to kill someone with a knife or something like that, I'd rather do it outside.
15. Playing music/singing on a farm porch, next to a lake.
16. I seem to get my best writing done on the porches of coffee shops when it’s a little too cold and I have a beer and a coffee and a cigar.
17. I have never smoked weed and danced to Indian music under enormous trees, but that sounds pretty cool.
18. Cuddling, especially if its a bit chilly outside.
19. I would like to have group sex on the deck of a pool on a hot day. Yeah, that sounds nice.
20. Animal care. I mean this as a professional. I have most enjoyed animal care, when it's been outside caring for baby alligators washing down the pool with a hose and drinking iced tea.
21. Making things, like cheese or tie dye t shirts or your own paste or home made paper. Its more fun on picnic tables, outside.
22. It's minor, but I prefer to clip my nails outside and just let the bits fall to the ground.
23. Set shit on fire. What can I say? I never grew up.
24. Smash large pieces of fruit, like watermelons or pumpkins with axes and machetes.
25. FOOD FIGHT BITCHES!!! Chocolate sauce, ketchup, ice cream, sandwiches, then we get to clean each other afterwards... hehehehehe.
25 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HERPETOLOGY (List 17 of 25)
1. Chelonian Temperature Dependent Sex Determination: The sex of baby turtles is determined in the nest, depending on the relative temperature. Higher temps mean girls, lower temps mean boys.
2. Darwin's Frog (Rhinoderma darwinii), the fathers carry the egg and tadpole in his mouth until the young frog metamorphoses.
3. Gharials (Gavialis gangeticus), a species of crocodilian that only lives on the Indian Subcontinent and has a long slender snout with which to catch fish.
4. Ontogenetic Color Difference, when the juveniles of a species has a different color or pattern from the adults, as with this young Emerald Tree Boa which will grow up to be bright green.
5. The heavy wrinkled body of the Javan Elephant Trunk Snake (Acrochordus javanicus)
6. Paratoid Glands, the poison glands of toads that secrete a milky alkaloid toxin, found as large bumps behind the eyes on the side, like on this Cane Toad (Bufo marinus).
7. Worm Lizards, like this Ajolote (Bipes biporus).
8. The toxins of Poison Dart Frogs, like this Phylobates terribilis, which are derived from their diet of various ant species. Captive specimens, which are fed flies and crickets, are not poisonous.
9. The smile of Side Neck Turtles (Pelomedusidae)
10. Unken Reflex, when an amphibian with brightly colored under parts positions its body to show those colors of as a warning of toxicity, as with this Firebelly Toad (Bombina orientalis)
11. The Oregon Newt (Taricha torosa), who may have the most powerful toxin of any vertebrate animal, a powerful Batrachotoxin.
12. Amplexus, the mating embrace of frogs and toads, especially the amplexus of Atelopus zeteki, which can last up to 2 weeks.
13. The loud mating bellows of male Alligators, part of which are subsonic and make the water above their backs dance.
14. Japanese Giant Salamander (Andrias japonicus), the largest amphibian species alive, up to 1.5 m.
15. Flying Lizards (Draco volans), which actually glide from tree to tree in SE Asia.
16. The glorious fatness of the African Bullfrog (Pixicephalus adspersus)
17. The remarkable color changing abilities of Panther Chameleons (Furcifer pardalis), who change their colors based more on communicating mood and intention, rather than camouflage.
18. Komodo Dragons (Varanus komodoensis) the largest species of living lizard, they have septic saliva. Their mouths contain a toxic bacteria load, which they pick up from eating carrion, which then allow them to deliver bites that cause live prey to die of infection from the bite.
19. In parts of Central America, people refer to the Caecilian, Dermophis mexicanus, as the TAPACULO, because they believe that if you drop your pants in the forest, this animal will burst from the soil and enter you anus!!! (not true)
20. Bolitoglossa lincolni, an arboreal salamander found in Guatamala who looks like DARTH MAUL, yes I know I am a geek.
21. Marine Iguana (Amblyrhynchus cristatus), the only marine (sea dwelling) lizard in the world, lives in the Galapagos Islands where the larger adults dive beneath the waves for algae encrusting the rocks.
22. Neoteny (the condition of retaining characteristics from childhood) in salamanders, such as this Axolotl (Ambystoma mexicanum), which retain their external gills through adulthood.
23. Chameleon tongues, the tip of which grabs the prey like a small hand, and pulls it back into the lizard's mouth.
24. Softshell Turtles, like this Florida Softshell (Apalone ferox) which have no external scales and have shells reinforced with cartilage instead of bone.
25. The displays of male Anoles, like this Green Anole (Anolis carolinensis), which fan out their dewlaps and perform push ups and head bobs to attract females, ward off other males, and establish territory.
25 OF THE WORST THINGS YOU EVER SAID TO ME (List 18 of 25)
1. "I think I have a girlfriend now."
2. "Oh Eric, I can't live up to that. All I can give you is sitting at cafes and talking politics. I hope that's okay?"
3. "I hate you and I don't ever wanna talk to you again"
4. "I see this new position as an assistant who can help me do all the paperwork..."
5. "Tinker was laying in the driveway, and I didn't see him laying there when I was backing out and..."
6. "You clearly don't like this job very much. Don't come in tomorrow. Come in next week and leave your keys at the front desk."
7. "Eric, I just talked to the doctor and he said she only has 2 weeks to live at most..."
8. "Sweetie, my cancer has come back. That's what the coughing is."
9. "Son, I just don't think you're trying."
10. "Your band was disqualified because of the satanic imagery."
11. "The thing about you is that you're difficult to be a good boss for, because you're really brilliant but extremely undisciplined."
12. "I'm sorry son, there's just nothing we can do for her at this stage. Her kidneys are gone and she's an old cat."
13. "Yeah, that was just a phase. I'm not interested in guys anymore."
14. "I think you need to start acting more professionally around the office."
15. "Sometimes I feel like you get so blinded by the lust and crushes that cute boys' looks produce in you that you don't notice their details as much as you might, and that can cause trouble both for you and for the guys you're so wild about... I was irked a bit for a moment because of this."
16. "We found Eric's guiding style to be somewhat ("inappropriate" - crossed out) grating."
17. "You come here on some fucking grand adventure, but for us this is our LIFE!"
18. "Oh you thought I was talking about you? How vain and pathetic."
19. "See that's my problem with you, you just act how ever you want to regardless of how it may affect other people. There's no sense of propriety there Eric."
20. "I won't have time to hang out this summer..."
21. "Sorry, we're out of blackberry cobbler."
22. "Sorry, we threw out the afterbirth... “
23. "I don't like Indians they're filthy and untrustworthy." (in Spanish)
24. "I don't mind gays at all, I just don't like it when they have to push it all in your face... I mean give it a break. It's the flamboyant ones, you know?"
25. "I went through this big gay phase last year man. I was making out with guys right and left, you should have know me back then..."
25 SONGS TO PLAY AT MY FUNERAL (List 19 of 25)
(FUCK YOU, IT'S MY FUNERAL!)
1. Billie Holiday - Strange Fruit
2. Nina Simone - Blackbird
3. The Smiths - There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
4. Samuel Barber - Agnus Dei
5. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
6. Sisters of Mercy - Black Planet
7. Edith Piaf - La Vie en Rose
8. Marlena Deitrich - Falling In Love Again
9. Patti Page - Let Call you Sweetheart
(yeah yeah I know Its gay, whatever, just make it happen)
10. Vicente Fernandez - Volver Volver
11. Pedro Infante - Tu Solo Tu
12. Jorge Negrete - You Soy Mexicano!!!!
13.Vince Guaraldi - Linus and Lucy
14. Sarah Vaughan - The Autumn Leaves
15. Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderly - The Masquerade is Over
16. Ella Fitzgerald - Summertime
17. Morrissey - Suedehead
18. Siouxsie and the Banshees - Dear Prudence
19. John Coltrane - My Favorite Things
20. Nico - Roses in the Snow
21. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah!
22. Bettye Lavette - Sparrow
23. Nick Drake - Pink Moon
24. The B-52s - Rock Lobster
25. MGMT - Time To Pretend
(because its about me)
Just make it happen bitches!
* OH, um... play Sonic Youth - Bull in the Heather (as 25 b)
25 OF MY FAVORITE ANIMALS YOU CAN FEED ME TO INSTEAD OF BURYING ME WHEN I DIE AT AN OLD AGE OF SOMETHING PLEASANT (List 20 of 25)
I don't care if its a herbivore, make it happen!!!
1. Pacific Giant Octopus
2. Egyptian Fruit Bats
3. Galapagos Giant Tortoises
4. Admiral Ackbar
5. African Giant Millipedes
6. Goliath Birdeater Tarantulas, world's largest spider
7. Giant Squid
8. Babirusa, wild pig sp from Indonesia
9. GIant Spider Crabs
10. Casque Headed Lizards
11. Llamas
12. Asian Fishing Cats
13. Mekong Giant River Catfish
14. Paca, a rodent the size of a Collie
15. The highly endangered Nicobar Pigeon
16. North African Wildcats, this is where we got the domestic cat
17. Pangolins
18. Wolverines
19. Platypuses
20. Hagfish
21. Tiger Salamanders
22. Sperm Whales
23. Chinchillas
24. Alligator Snapping Turtles
25. That Walrus that plays the saxophone
(weather and wildlife permitting)
1. I like playing with cats in the grass. Running a frail twig through the blades of grass or scraping it on the edge of concrete. Cats are meant to be played with outside.
2. Sleeping. I once fell asleep on the hood of my car in a canyon in UT while the Leonid meteor shower swept overhead. I like the air on me, the stars above.
3. Peeing. I'm a man god dammit! Why waste water?
4. Smoking a cigar.
5. Drinking a beer. Its better when there's a bit of heat and the bottle is sweating. I'll take a red stripe.
6. Showering. There aren't enough outdoor showers in the world. Beach, backyard, camping, whatever.
7. Felatio. I sucked my boyfriend off on the end of a trail at the river at Brazos Bend State Park. One of the best blowjobs I ever gave. Knees and cum in the dirt, birds singing in the trees.
8. Leisurely naps. I get to have sleeping and naps as 2 separate things cause its my fucking list. You know what I mean though, a hammock, a blanket in the grass on the Mall in DC?
9. I've never taken a bath outside, but I'm sure that would be better as well. I need an outside bathtub, deep clawfoot.
10. Listening to Crystal Castles real loud and making up wild dances based on animal movements.
11. Eating a mango. Just bite into it and let the juice go wherever it wants. If it gets all over you, just hose off, jump in the river, or fall backwards into the surf.
12. I would really like to have complete rough messy sex on a picnic table somewhere at night.
13. Restaurant dining seems better if there's a porch.
14. If I had to kill someone with a knife or something like that, I'd rather do it outside.
15. Playing music/singing on a farm porch, next to a lake.
16. I seem to get my best writing done on the porches of coffee shops when it’s a little too cold and I have a beer and a coffee and a cigar.
17. I have never smoked weed and danced to Indian music under enormous trees, but that sounds pretty cool.
18. Cuddling, especially if its a bit chilly outside.
19. I would like to have group sex on the deck of a pool on a hot day. Yeah, that sounds nice.
20. Animal care. I mean this as a professional. I have most enjoyed animal care, when it's been outside caring for baby alligators washing down the pool with a hose and drinking iced tea.
21. Making things, like cheese or tie dye t shirts or your own paste or home made paper. Its more fun on picnic tables, outside.
22. It's minor, but I prefer to clip my nails outside and just let the bits fall to the ground.
23. Set shit on fire. What can I say? I never grew up.
24. Smash large pieces of fruit, like watermelons or pumpkins with axes and machetes.
25. FOOD FIGHT BITCHES!!! Chocolate sauce, ketchup, ice cream, sandwiches, then we get to clean each other afterwards... hehehehehe.
25 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HERPETOLOGY (List 17 of 25)
1. Chelonian Temperature Dependent Sex Determination: The sex of baby turtles is determined in the nest, depending on the relative temperature. Higher temps mean girls, lower temps mean boys.
2. Darwin's Frog (Rhinoderma darwinii), the fathers carry the egg and tadpole in his mouth until the young frog metamorphoses.
3. Gharials (Gavialis gangeticus), a species of crocodilian that only lives on the Indian Subcontinent and has a long slender snout with which to catch fish.
4. Ontogenetic Color Difference, when the juveniles of a species has a different color or pattern from the adults, as with this young Emerald Tree Boa which will grow up to be bright green.
5. The heavy wrinkled body of the Javan Elephant Trunk Snake (Acrochordus javanicus)
6. Paratoid Glands, the poison glands of toads that secrete a milky alkaloid toxin, found as large bumps behind the eyes on the side, like on this Cane Toad (Bufo marinus).
7. Worm Lizards, like this Ajolote (Bipes biporus).
8. The toxins of Poison Dart Frogs, like this Phylobates terribilis, which are derived from their diet of various ant species. Captive specimens, which are fed flies and crickets, are not poisonous.
9. The smile of Side Neck Turtles (Pelomedusidae)
10. Unken Reflex, when an amphibian with brightly colored under parts positions its body to show those colors of as a warning of toxicity, as with this Firebelly Toad (Bombina orientalis)
11. The Oregon Newt (Taricha torosa), who may have the most powerful toxin of any vertebrate animal, a powerful Batrachotoxin.
12. Amplexus, the mating embrace of frogs and toads, especially the amplexus of Atelopus zeteki, which can last up to 2 weeks.
13. The loud mating bellows of male Alligators, part of which are subsonic and make the water above their backs dance.
14. Japanese Giant Salamander (Andrias japonicus), the largest amphibian species alive, up to 1.5 m.
15. Flying Lizards (Draco volans), which actually glide from tree to tree in SE Asia.
16. The glorious fatness of the African Bullfrog (Pixicephalus adspersus)
17. The remarkable color changing abilities of Panther Chameleons (Furcifer pardalis), who change their colors based more on communicating mood and intention, rather than camouflage.
18. Komodo Dragons (Varanus komodoensis) the largest species of living lizard, they have septic saliva. Their mouths contain a toxic bacteria load, which they pick up from eating carrion, which then allow them to deliver bites that cause live prey to die of infection from the bite.
19. In parts of Central America, people refer to the Caecilian, Dermophis mexicanus, as the TAPACULO, because they believe that if you drop your pants in the forest, this animal will burst from the soil and enter you anus!!! (not true)
20. Bolitoglossa lincolni, an arboreal salamander found in Guatamala who looks like DARTH MAUL, yes I know I am a geek.
21. Marine Iguana (Amblyrhynchus cristatus), the only marine (sea dwelling) lizard in the world, lives in the Galapagos Islands where the larger adults dive beneath the waves for algae encrusting the rocks.
22. Neoteny (the condition of retaining characteristics from childhood) in salamanders, such as this Axolotl (Ambystoma mexicanum), which retain their external gills through adulthood.
23. Chameleon tongues, the tip of which grabs the prey like a small hand, and pulls it back into the lizard's mouth.
24. Softshell Turtles, like this Florida Softshell (Apalone ferox) which have no external scales and have shells reinforced with cartilage instead of bone.
25. The displays of male Anoles, like this Green Anole (Anolis carolinensis), which fan out their dewlaps and perform push ups and head bobs to attract females, ward off other males, and establish territory.
25 OF THE WORST THINGS YOU EVER SAID TO ME (List 18 of 25)
1. "I think I have a girlfriend now."
2. "Oh Eric, I can't live up to that. All I can give you is sitting at cafes and talking politics. I hope that's okay?"
3. "I hate you and I don't ever wanna talk to you again"
4. "I see this new position as an assistant who can help me do all the paperwork..."
5. "Tinker was laying in the driveway, and I didn't see him laying there when I was backing out and..."
6. "You clearly don't like this job very much. Don't come in tomorrow. Come in next week and leave your keys at the front desk."
7. "Eric, I just talked to the doctor and he said she only has 2 weeks to live at most..."
8. "Sweetie, my cancer has come back. That's what the coughing is."
9. "Son, I just don't think you're trying."
10. "Your band was disqualified because of the satanic imagery."
11. "The thing about you is that you're difficult to be a good boss for, because you're really brilliant but extremely undisciplined."
12. "I'm sorry son, there's just nothing we can do for her at this stage. Her kidneys are gone and she's an old cat."
13. "Yeah, that was just a phase. I'm not interested in guys anymore."
14. "I think you need to start acting more professionally around the office."
15. "Sometimes I feel like you get so blinded by the lust and crushes that cute boys' looks produce in you that you don't notice their details as much as you might, and that can cause trouble both for you and for the guys you're so wild about... I was irked a bit for a moment because of this."
16. "We found Eric's guiding style to be somewhat ("inappropriate" - crossed out) grating."
17. "You come here on some fucking grand adventure, but for us this is our LIFE!"
18. "Oh you thought I was talking about you? How vain and pathetic."
19. "See that's my problem with you, you just act how ever you want to regardless of how it may affect other people. There's no sense of propriety there Eric."
20. "I won't have time to hang out this summer..."
21. "Sorry, we're out of blackberry cobbler."
22. "Sorry, we threw out the afterbirth... “
23. "I don't like Indians they're filthy and untrustworthy." (in Spanish)
24. "I don't mind gays at all, I just don't like it when they have to push it all in your face... I mean give it a break. It's the flamboyant ones, you know?"
25. "I went through this big gay phase last year man. I was making out with guys right and left, you should have know me back then..."
25 SONGS TO PLAY AT MY FUNERAL (List 19 of 25)
(FUCK YOU, IT'S MY FUNERAL!)
1. Billie Holiday - Strange Fruit
2. Nina Simone - Blackbird
3. The Smiths - There Is a Light That Never Goes Out
4. Samuel Barber - Agnus Dei
5. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
6. Sisters of Mercy - Black Planet
7. Edith Piaf - La Vie en Rose
8. Marlena Deitrich - Falling In Love Again
9. Patti Page - Let Call you Sweetheart
(yeah yeah I know Its gay, whatever, just make it happen)
10. Vicente Fernandez - Volver Volver
11. Pedro Infante - Tu Solo Tu
12. Jorge Negrete - You Soy Mexicano!!!!
13.Vince Guaraldi - Linus and Lucy
14. Sarah Vaughan - The Autumn Leaves
15. Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderly - The Masquerade is Over
16. Ella Fitzgerald - Summertime
17. Morrissey - Suedehead
18. Siouxsie and the Banshees - Dear Prudence
19. John Coltrane - My Favorite Things
20. Nico - Roses in the Snow
21. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah!
22. Bettye Lavette - Sparrow
23. Nick Drake - Pink Moon
24. The B-52s - Rock Lobster
25. MGMT - Time To Pretend
(because its about me)
Just make it happen bitches!
* OH, um... play Sonic Youth - Bull in the Heather (as 25 b)
25 OF MY FAVORITE ANIMALS YOU CAN FEED ME TO INSTEAD OF BURYING ME WHEN I DIE AT AN OLD AGE OF SOMETHING PLEASANT (List 20 of 25)
I don't care if its a herbivore, make it happen!!!
1. Pacific Giant Octopus
2. Egyptian Fruit Bats
3. Galapagos Giant Tortoises
4. Admiral Ackbar
5. African Giant Millipedes
6. Goliath Birdeater Tarantulas, world's largest spider
7. Giant Squid
8. Babirusa, wild pig sp from Indonesia
9. GIant Spider Crabs
10. Casque Headed Lizards
11. Llamas
12. Asian Fishing Cats
13. Mekong Giant River Catfish
14. Paca, a rodent the size of a Collie
15. The highly endangered Nicobar Pigeon
16. North African Wildcats, this is where we got the domestic cat
17. Pangolins
18. Wolverines
19. Platypuses
20. Hagfish
21. Tiger Salamanders
22. Sperm Whales
23. Chinchillas
24. Alligator Snapping Turtles
25. That Walrus that plays the saxophone
25 RANDOM LISTS OF 25 THINGS (11-15)
25 THINGS I FIND TO BE A MAJOR TURN ON WITH THE RIGHT BOY (List 11 of 25)
1. Ok, when a guy is real thin, but he still has a round ass that curves out
2. Pouty soft lips
3. When he smirks slightly instead of full on smiling, and its kind of a sly smirk
4. Soccer shorts or really short shorts, especially those old Adidas shorts with the white stripes on the side or running shorts
5. A deep and well chosen vocabulary
6. He's wet
7. Glasses
8. A fey British accent
9. Smooth shoulders with a few light freckles
10. Large shiny bright eyes (any color, but i'm a sucker for green and blue)
11. Down on all 4's meowing
12. Jock straps
13. Apparently, if he has a girlfriend
14. Emo hair (shiny and shaggy and bangs in the face), but shiny straight hair will do it too.
15. Tight tight tight old thrift store t shirts
16. Shy and sweet does it
17. He speaks Japanese or German
18. Being half out of athletic gear, like after Lacrosse matches or a shirts and skins soccer practice
19. His dick is in my mouth
20. He yells, FUCK YEAH, when i hit him
21. Boys with stuffed animals
22. Wit
23. Nerds/Geeks... Star Wars, music, whatever.
24. Skaters
25. Intellectual boys who don’t know how cute they are when they talk about Michel Foucault
25 MORE NAMES I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO NAME A CHILD BUT WOULD IF I GOT THE CHANCE (List 12 of 25)
1. Squirrelicious
2. Favorite Penis
3. Stew Meat
4. Nigga Please!
5. Puto
6. Heteronormative Discourse
7. Zac Efron (deleted shower scene)
8. Prisonbitch
9. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
10. Little Cunt
11. DipCone (as in a Dairy Queen dip cone)
12. RacialHolyWar
13. Batrachotoxin
14. Catamite
15. Spooge Pony
16. Liberal Media Bias
17. Mollusk
18. Mustache Crumbs
19. 9/11
20. Temperature Dependent Sex Determination
21. Stain
22. SCARRR
23. Fuck Tha Police!
24. Hoth Action Han Solo
25. Lemon Zest
25 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TO PLAY (List 13 of 25)
1. Cuddle in a giant pile of Ugly Dolls and Pillows while Cocteau Twins albums play in the background
2. Let's get an enormous canvas, and start at either end (2 different paintings) and then paint to the middle, and when we get there we'll join them in design and theme.
3. Let's just lay naked in the dark and listen to Samuel Barber's Agnus Dei on repeat for an hour with the windows open and talk about death.
4. I can fit 3 people in my bath tub, that and a bottle of chardonnay with some grapefruit? I have lots of bath toys!
5. PILLAGE my ass!!!
6. I will PILLAGE your ass!!!
7. Let's watch twink porn and actually watch it all the way through and deconstruct it.
8. I wanna color everything on the neighbor's house that is white with highlight markers.
9. How many things in the house can we make life-size statues of Yoda with? (Spam, wet toilet paper, chewing gum…)
10. Close your eyes... if you guess what I inserted correctly, you get a prize (if you guess incorrectly you still get one).
12. We can make our own pizza from scratch, sure, but we have to put 3 things on it that never go on pizza.
13. ITunes Random Rules, bring your Ipod.
14. We could always make our own Ugly Dolls, I have lots of construction paper in different colors.
15. We're not too old for water balloons!
16. How many Nature films can you sit through?
17. Find that asshole who threatened me on FB and beat him to death in front of his mom with a bag of doorknobs.
18. We can put our favorite music genres and possible song topics in a hat and draw a few, combine them, and make an album on my laptop. (ie. Shoegaze-Goth Hip-hop with songs about house cats.)
19. We could try having a proper Chinese tea ceremony, never mind, let’s just get fucked up and I’ll make some Celestial Seasonings. Proper Chinese is too dilute for me.
20. If you just wanted to smoke weed and listen to albums while I blew you, I'd be okay with that.
21. What would we do with all that C4 though? Oh. Ohhhhhh. Okay.
22. Let's make our own board games, but really detailed and really obscene.
23. LLAMA RACES!
24. We'll make a fort in the back yard and make our own costumes out of cardboard and play star wars, but with fucking.
25. Lets make really elaborate ice cream sundaes and then eat them off of each other in the shower. I have lots of different kinds of fruit.
25 OF MY FAVORITE BIRDS (List 14 of 25)
1. Temminck's Tragopan
2. Greater Roadrunner
3. Greenjay
4. Black throated Magpie Jay
5. Burrowing Owl
6. Northern Bobwhite Quail
7. Abyssinian Ground Hornbill
8. Razorbill
9. Harlequin Duck
10. Torrent Duck
11. American Dipper
12. King Eider
13. Secretary Bird
14. Wattled Jacana
15. Hoatzin
16. Sun Bittern
17. Andean Cock of the Rock
18. Painted Bunting
19. Limpkin
20. Common Raven
21. Eclectus Parrots
22. Hamerkop
23. Shoebill Stork
24. Wire Tailed Manakin
25. Common Hoopoe
25 PEOPLE WHO DIED ON ME (List 15 of 25)
1. My Mother, kidney cancer at age 52, the best person I ever knew. Her death is still the worst thing that ever happened in my life. How many times can I turn to talk to someone who isn’t there anymore?
2. My Maternal Grandmother, Wanda (77), of complications from smoking since she was 13, after her behavior at the time my mother was dying, I never spoke to her again (that was 7 years).
3. My Paternal Grandmother, Roberta (89), her death from causes which I can't recall was the hardest I saw my father cry as a child, she and I used to do puzzles together and she'd make me rice pudding and bunuelos.
4. My Maternal Great Grandmother, Veenie (75), who died from so many things I can't remember what she died from, was the 1st death I can remember, I was 5, I loved her very much, she made delicious chicken and dumplings.
5. Shadow (20), better known simply as Shadow the Cat, from kidney complications, she was my friend from 10 to 30 years old, and I would trade any one of you mother fuckers for 1 more day with her.
6. Eli the ginger tom (?), a stray I took in, I returned to the house after a couple of days away immediately after the hurricane (Rita) and found his half decomposed body in the back yard.
7. Laura (12), daughter of a good friend of mine from the nature center where I worked, she went missing after a morning jog, her body was found naked except for one sock floating in culvert a few towns away, I remember walking through a field looking at the Psilocybin mushrooms wishing like hell I wouldn’t find her.
8. Brandon (20), abducted while getting back into his car in Austin, the 2 guys had kidnapped another guy to get the money from his bank acct and needed to change cars, in the end they put the previous guy and Brandon into the trunk of his Volvo and rolled his car into a lake, they drowned in the trunk.
9. Bernardo Duran (64), my paternal Grandfather, from heart disease when my father was 14 years old, the only grandfather I ever heard anything about, he was a rancher who lost his family's ranch in the dustbowl of the early 50’s, then he and my grandmother divorced, he was extremely affectionate, but Inutil (in spanish a cross of useless and helpless).
10. Dean (77), from I do not know what causes, he was "the old man down the street" when I was 7, my friend Justin and I would go to his house and he and his wife would tell us stories and feed us candy and pay us a couple of dollars to do little chores, one day I saw the ambulance at their house, but my mom wouldn’t let us go, a few weeks later I saw his wife at a school program and asked where Dean was, and with the coldest voice and facial expression imaginable she said "he's dead" and turned away from me.
11. Matthew Shepard (21), beaten and left for dead attached to a fence in WY, because he had asked some dumb insecure fuck out on a date, its the first time I seriously realized that I needed to be "out"
12. David VonErich (25), was found dead in his hotel room in Japan, where he was to wrestle a big match the following day, the cause given for his death was intestinal problems, but it's widely believed to be a drug overdose, at the time living in Dallas, the VonErichs were a big deal even if you didn’t like wrestling so much, but I did, I remember feeling devastated.
13. Carl Sagan (62), complications from cancer, he was the 1st person I can remember looking up to as an intellectual figure, as a child I was completely wrapped up in the PBS show Cosmos, I was a follower from there forward.
14. Stephen J Gould (60), lung cancer spread to the brain, another of my favorite public intellectuals, he made his life's work educating people about Evolution, and influenced me to do the same in a smaller way.
15. Jonathan Brandis (27), hanged himself, he was on tv show Seaquest 2020. I can’t explain why I felt so attached to him, but I was… am.
16. River Phoenix (23), actor, overdosed on cocaine and heroine.
17. My Cousin Greg (~23), had never quite got his shit together, had problems with drugs for years, killed himself with a pistol. The 1st time I saw my father cry.
18. My Uncle Jerry (52), Diabetes and Heart Disease, Greg's Dad, coke head who used to steal shit from other members of the family, he was over 400 lbs when he died, I can remember in the last years of his life how he used to shuffle around with only a toga like sheet on, back and forth between the bed and the toilet, yelling shit like "ELSIE, BRING ME A PIZZA!", he'd gotten so fat and diabetic, he couldn’t lift his feet anymore.
19. Owen Hart (34), wrestler, fell from a poorly assembled rig while repelling from the ceiling of the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, MO down into the ring, he fell a few hundred feet into the ring in front of thousands of people on a Pay Per View event, he was one of my favorite wrestlers.
20. Lightning (4), Guinea Pig, reasons unknown, my first non fish pet to die, I cried literally all weekend over Lightning, I was 10.
21. My Cousin Freddie (~35), long term brain damage issues, I had only ever known Freddie as a vegetable in a home hospital bed, it always made my dad cry to see him, he had seen him as a brilliant and vigorous young man, I hadn’t, when he died, it seemed like a kind of relief for the family, as if he had finished something he had started years before.
22. Jim Henson (63), Toxic Shock Syndrome, I actually did cry when he died, the muppets were a very important thing to me as a child.
23. Ginger (?), my boyfriend's mother's best friend, she was driving home on an icy road when a deer jumped in front of her car and she lost control, her car hit a tree and the impact killed her, it was the week before christmas, the week before we visited his parents, having to drive down the same icy road.
24. Paul Wellstone (58), senator from Minnesota, plane crash, one of only 2 progressives in the senate at the time of his death, one of the few politicians I always felt proud of and identified with.
25. My Uncle JW (56), complications from alcoholism, he looked like he was 76, he lived hard, I remember him getting high at the family reunion on an asthma inhaler he found in a public rest room and hitting on my mom (his niece), at his funeral (which was the best gathering of my mom's side of the family I can remember with him absent) I met for the only time one of the most beautiful human beings ever produced, my 16 year old cousin, Shane.
1. Ok, when a guy is real thin, but he still has a round ass that curves out
2. Pouty soft lips
3. When he smirks slightly instead of full on smiling, and its kind of a sly smirk
4. Soccer shorts or really short shorts, especially those old Adidas shorts with the white stripes on the side or running shorts
5. A deep and well chosen vocabulary
6. He's wet
7. Glasses
8. A fey British accent
9. Smooth shoulders with a few light freckles
10. Large shiny bright eyes (any color, but i'm a sucker for green and blue)
11. Down on all 4's meowing
12. Jock straps
13. Apparently, if he has a girlfriend
14. Emo hair (shiny and shaggy and bangs in the face), but shiny straight hair will do it too.
15. Tight tight tight old thrift store t shirts
16. Shy and sweet does it
17. He speaks Japanese or German
18. Being half out of athletic gear, like after Lacrosse matches or a shirts and skins soccer practice
19. His dick is in my mouth
20. He yells, FUCK YEAH, when i hit him
21. Boys with stuffed animals
22. Wit
23. Nerds/Geeks... Star Wars, music, whatever.
24. Skaters
25. Intellectual boys who don’t know how cute they are when they talk about Michel Foucault
25 MORE NAMES I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO NAME A CHILD BUT WOULD IF I GOT THE CHANCE (List 12 of 25)
1. Squirrelicious
2. Favorite Penis
3. Stew Meat
4. Nigga Please!
5. Puto
6. Heteronormative Discourse
7. Zac Efron (deleted shower scene)
8. Prisonbitch
9. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
10. Little Cunt
11. DipCone (as in a Dairy Queen dip cone)
12. RacialHolyWar
13. Batrachotoxin
14. Catamite
15. Spooge Pony
16. Liberal Media Bias
17. Mollusk
18. Mustache Crumbs
19. 9/11
20. Temperature Dependent Sex Determination
21. Stain
22. SCARRR
23. Fuck Tha Police!
24. Hoth Action Han Solo
25. Lemon Zest
25 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU COME OVER TO MY HOUSE TO PLAY (List 13 of 25)
1. Cuddle in a giant pile of Ugly Dolls and Pillows while Cocteau Twins albums play in the background
2. Let's get an enormous canvas, and start at either end (2 different paintings) and then paint to the middle, and when we get there we'll join them in design and theme.
3. Let's just lay naked in the dark and listen to Samuel Barber's Agnus Dei on repeat for an hour with the windows open and talk about death.
4. I can fit 3 people in my bath tub, that and a bottle of chardonnay with some grapefruit? I have lots of bath toys!
5. PILLAGE my ass!!!
6. I will PILLAGE your ass!!!
7. Let's watch twink porn and actually watch it all the way through and deconstruct it.
8. I wanna color everything on the neighbor's house that is white with highlight markers.
9. How many things in the house can we make life-size statues of Yoda with? (Spam, wet toilet paper, chewing gum…)
10. Close your eyes... if you guess what I inserted correctly, you get a prize (if you guess incorrectly you still get one).
12. We can make our own pizza from scratch, sure, but we have to put 3 things on it that never go on pizza.
13. ITunes Random Rules, bring your Ipod.
14. We could always make our own Ugly Dolls, I have lots of construction paper in different colors.
15. We're not too old for water balloons!
16. How many Nature films can you sit through?
17. Find that asshole who threatened me on FB and beat him to death in front of his mom with a bag of doorknobs.
18. We can put our favorite music genres and possible song topics in a hat and draw a few, combine them, and make an album on my laptop. (ie. Shoegaze-Goth Hip-hop with songs about house cats.)
19. We could try having a proper Chinese tea ceremony, never mind, let’s just get fucked up and I’ll make some Celestial Seasonings. Proper Chinese is too dilute for me.
20. If you just wanted to smoke weed and listen to albums while I blew you, I'd be okay with that.
21. What would we do with all that C4 though? Oh. Ohhhhhh. Okay.
22. Let's make our own board games, but really detailed and really obscene.
23. LLAMA RACES!
24. We'll make a fort in the back yard and make our own costumes out of cardboard and play star wars, but with fucking.
25. Lets make really elaborate ice cream sundaes and then eat them off of each other in the shower. I have lots of different kinds of fruit.
25 OF MY FAVORITE BIRDS (List 14 of 25)
1. Temminck's Tragopan
2. Greater Roadrunner
3. Greenjay
4. Black throated Magpie Jay
5. Burrowing Owl
6. Northern Bobwhite Quail
7. Abyssinian Ground Hornbill
8. Razorbill
9. Harlequin Duck
10. Torrent Duck
11. American Dipper
12. King Eider
13. Secretary Bird
14. Wattled Jacana
15. Hoatzin
16. Sun Bittern
17. Andean Cock of the Rock
18. Painted Bunting
19. Limpkin
20. Common Raven
21. Eclectus Parrots
22. Hamerkop
23. Shoebill Stork
24. Wire Tailed Manakin
25. Common Hoopoe
25 PEOPLE WHO DIED ON ME (List 15 of 25)
1. My Mother, kidney cancer at age 52, the best person I ever knew. Her death is still the worst thing that ever happened in my life. How many times can I turn to talk to someone who isn’t there anymore?
2. My Maternal Grandmother, Wanda (77), of complications from smoking since she was 13, after her behavior at the time my mother was dying, I never spoke to her again (that was 7 years).
3. My Paternal Grandmother, Roberta (89), her death from causes which I can't recall was the hardest I saw my father cry as a child, she and I used to do puzzles together and she'd make me rice pudding and bunuelos.
4. My Maternal Great Grandmother, Veenie (75), who died from so many things I can't remember what she died from, was the 1st death I can remember, I was 5, I loved her very much, she made delicious chicken and dumplings.
5. Shadow (20), better known simply as Shadow the Cat, from kidney complications, she was my friend from 10 to 30 years old, and I would trade any one of you mother fuckers for 1 more day with her.
6. Eli the ginger tom (?), a stray I took in, I returned to the house after a couple of days away immediately after the hurricane (Rita) and found his half decomposed body in the back yard.
7. Laura (12), daughter of a good friend of mine from the nature center where I worked, she went missing after a morning jog, her body was found naked except for one sock floating in culvert a few towns away, I remember walking through a field looking at the Psilocybin mushrooms wishing like hell I wouldn’t find her.
8. Brandon (20), abducted while getting back into his car in Austin, the 2 guys had kidnapped another guy to get the money from his bank acct and needed to change cars, in the end they put the previous guy and Brandon into the trunk of his Volvo and rolled his car into a lake, they drowned in the trunk.
9. Bernardo Duran (64), my paternal Grandfather, from heart disease when my father was 14 years old, the only grandfather I ever heard anything about, he was a rancher who lost his family's ranch in the dustbowl of the early 50’s, then he and my grandmother divorced, he was extremely affectionate, but Inutil (in spanish a cross of useless and helpless).
10. Dean (77), from I do not know what causes, he was "the old man down the street" when I was 7, my friend Justin and I would go to his house and he and his wife would tell us stories and feed us candy and pay us a couple of dollars to do little chores, one day I saw the ambulance at their house, but my mom wouldn’t let us go, a few weeks later I saw his wife at a school program and asked where Dean was, and with the coldest voice and facial expression imaginable she said "he's dead" and turned away from me.
11. Matthew Shepard (21), beaten and left for dead attached to a fence in WY, because he had asked some dumb insecure fuck out on a date, its the first time I seriously realized that I needed to be "out"
12. David VonErich (25), was found dead in his hotel room in Japan, where he was to wrestle a big match the following day, the cause given for his death was intestinal problems, but it's widely believed to be a drug overdose, at the time living in Dallas, the VonErichs were a big deal even if you didn’t like wrestling so much, but I did, I remember feeling devastated.
13. Carl Sagan (62), complications from cancer, he was the 1st person I can remember looking up to as an intellectual figure, as a child I was completely wrapped up in the PBS show Cosmos, I was a follower from there forward.
14. Stephen J Gould (60), lung cancer spread to the brain, another of my favorite public intellectuals, he made his life's work educating people about Evolution, and influenced me to do the same in a smaller way.
15. Jonathan Brandis (27), hanged himself, he was on tv show Seaquest 2020. I can’t explain why I felt so attached to him, but I was… am.
16. River Phoenix (23), actor, overdosed on cocaine and heroine.
17. My Cousin Greg (~23), had never quite got his shit together, had problems with drugs for years, killed himself with a pistol. The 1st time I saw my father cry.
18. My Uncle Jerry (52), Diabetes and Heart Disease, Greg's Dad, coke head who used to steal shit from other members of the family, he was over 400 lbs when he died, I can remember in the last years of his life how he used to shuffle around with only a toga like sheet on, back and forth between the bed and the toilet, yelling shit like "ELSIE, BRING ME A PIZZA!", he'd gotten so fat and diabetic, he couldn’t lift his feet anymore.
19. Owen Hart (34), wrestler, fell from a poorly assembled rig while repelling from the ceiling of the Kemper Arena in Kansas City, MO down into the ring, he fell a few hundred feet into the ring in front of thousands of people on a Pay Per View event, he was one of my favorite wrestlers.
20. Lightning (4), Guinea Pig, reasons unknown, my first non fish pet to die, I cried literally all weekend over Lightning, I was 10.
21. My Cousin Freddie (~35), long term brain damage issues, I had only ever known Freddie as a vegetable in a home hospital bed, it always made my dad cry to see him, he had seen him as a brilliant and vigorous young man, I hadn’t, when he died, it seemed like a kind of relief for the family, as if he had finished something he had started years before.
22. Jim Henson (63), Toxic Shock Syndrome, I actually did cry when he died, the muppets were a very important thing to me as a child.
23. Ginger (?), my boyfriend's mother's best friend, she was driving home on an icy road when a deer jumped in front of her car and she lost control, her car hit a tree and the impact killed her, it was the week before christmas, the week before we visited his parents, having to drive down the same icy road.
24. Paul Wellstone (58), senator from Minnesota, plane crash, one of only 2 progressives in the senate at the time of his death, one of the few politicians I always felt proud of and identified with.
25. My Uncle JW (56), complications from alcoholism, he looked like he was 76, he lived hard, I remember him getting high at the family reunion on an asthma inhaler he found in a public rest room and hitting on my mom (his niece), at his funeral (which was the best gathering of my mom's side of the family I can remember with him absent) I met for the only time one of the most beautiful human beings ever produced, my 16 year old cousin, Shane.
25 RANDOM LISTS OF 25 THINGS (6-10)
25 ALIEN RACES WITH WHICH ERIC HAS EXCELLENT RELATIONS (Most of them from Star Wars) (List 6 of 25)
1. The Aqualish
2. The Mon Calamari
3. The Gran (only the Kinyen Gran, not the Malastare Gran)
4. The Duros
5. The Sullastans
6. The Vietnamese
7. Faggots
8. Wookies
9. The Hutt
10. The Nautolans
11. The Ithorians
12. Whatever Louis Garrel is
13. The Twi'lek
14. The Bith
15. Mormons
16. The Chagrians
17. Puffins (I swear to fucking god!)
18. The Pau'an
19. The Wol Cabasshite
20. Guys who are willing to have 3somes
21. Morrissey, who may have been covered by a previous entry but must be classified as a separate species.
22. The Rodians
23. The Talz
24. This guy told my dad that the real reason we are in Iraq was because there is a fissure in the earth in Iraq where the Crab People can come to the surface and wreak havoc.
25. The Wu Tang
25 BOYS I LIKED IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WHERE I FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH THEM AT THE TIME (LIST 7 OF 25)
1. Blake M, Mormon cross country runner/trumpet player, in the orchestra pit of the school theater and on my back porch (Blue Valley North HS)
2. Eric E, soccer player, in the grass and on the bleachers of the soccer fields after practice (BVN)
3. Shawn the wrestler, on the wrestling mats next to the gym (BVN)
4. Shawn that short blond kid, between the lockers on the benches in the locker room (BVN)
5. I'll call him "Mike", that guy who kept walking around naked in the shower/changing rooms next to the pool at the resort my parents used to take me to in the Ozarks in Missouri, on the deck of the hot tub and in the showers
6. Matthew, that boy a couple of years younger who came from another school to work on Annie Get Your Gun and he had incredible thighs, in the Cat Walks of the school theater (BVN)
7. Matt, some other senior guy who was in the chorus of Annie Get Your Gun, in the dressing rooms of the school theater (BVN)
8. Matt S, from theater, on the commons tables late at night (BVN)
9. Chad Allen, TV show OUR HOUSE, in the fictional back yard of their house
10. Wil Wheaton, Star Trek the Next Generation, in his fictional bedroom and the fictional Holodeck aboard the Enterprise NCC 1701 D
11. Robert D, tall and well hung, on a picnic table behind the school in the woods at night (Clear Lake HS)
12. Chad W, in his cross country shorts (for awhile) in the hall way in front of French class on day the school is closed or the cheap flimsy beds in the tiny gray hotel room we shared in Paris on the school French trip (CLHS)
13. Lee, really smooth and firm and short from PE class, in a broom closet while school was going on outside (CLHS)
14. Denver, god what a body from PE, the showers in the locker room (CLHS)
15. Paul, ass of a god from PE, EVERYWHERE!!! Seriously though (CLHS)
16. Kevin something, with blond curly hair and a body too well designed to be real, on a couch on the stage of the school theater at night (BVNHS)
17. Derek, the short sultry soccer player, in my shower and several pieces of furniture, at home (BVNHS)
18. Ryan, the skinny but super cute soccer player, on the stands of the soccer field (BVNHS)
19. Ryan G, the always smiling Varsity soccer player, on the desks of computer programming class (BVN)
20. Lars, the Norwegian exchange student who ran track and didn’t wear underwear, on my couch at home (BVN)
21. Chad Lowe from tv show Life Goes On, my kitchen at home
22. Joseph, pretty Chinese kid from Psych class, the pool of our apt complex at night (Clear Lake HS)
23. Matt S, Mormon, he used to walk his little dog by the apt wearing only the shortest tightest black shorts and nothing else OMG!!!, he must have known, right? on the dining room table (CLHS)
24. That tall Mexican boy with the pouty lips and the shiny hair in Puerta Vallarta making drinks at some restaurant, in a random imaginary dilapidated beach house on an old cot FOR HOURS!
25. Kelly Slater pro-surfer, in some imaginary California beach showers at sunset
25 SEXUAL UTTERANCES I HAVE UNLEASHED (List 8 of 25)
1. Oh fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
2. YES! WRECK MY ASS WRECK IT!
3. Punish me! Ohhhhhhh, punish me!
4. THE WAR HAMMER!!!
5. Yes, yes, yes, I fucking love it!
6. Who’s a big boy now!!!
7. Empathy is vastly over rated!
8. I'll give you something to cry about!
9. Fuck me harder, harder, HARDER yes harder! DESTROY ME!
10. You feel so fucking good...
11. Ontogeny does not necessarily recapitulate phylogeny.
12. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!
13. le fouche le fouche le fouche
14. I'm a dirty slut, give me what I deserve!!!
15. That's great it starts with an earthquake, dogs snakes and aeroplanes!
16. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stand up for awhile after this…
17. あなたのバトックは私が住むことを望む惑星である!
18. Split me in 2, break me BREAK ME, PLEEEEEAAAASSSSE!!!
19. I've never sucked dick to the Cocteau Twins before!
20. Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come they will be done on earth as it is in heaven!
21. Are you sure you're not gay, because this sure feels like you are?
22. This is the best Ice Cream Party I have ever been to!
23. I DO NOT PAY YOU ENOUGH!
24. ... and what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born!
25. YES, LIKE LEMMINGS OFF A CLIFF!
25 Random Lists of 25 Things Goddammit! (Pork) vol. 9
25 WAYS TO EAT MEAT THAT KEEP ME FROM BEING A VEGETARIAN (List 9 of 25)
1. Memphis style pulled pork sandwich
2. Cuban Masitas del Puerco covered in minced garlic and sauteed onions
3. Bacon MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
4. Pork Bulgogi (Korean)
5. Chinese pan fried pork dumplings (pot stickers)
6. You lay face down and I eat shredded pork from between your ass cheeks
7. Chicken B'stilla (Morocco)
8. Ecuadoran Pork Tostado
9. Kielbasa
10. A Bratwurst on a bun with brown mustard
11. Aardvark
12. Pollo con Mole Poblano
13. Sopes de Tinga
14. Taquitos de carne asada
15. Homemade pork tamales
16. Vietnamese pork eggrolls
17. Vietnamese chargrilled pork with vermicelli
18. THAT FUCKING DOG, SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP NICKI YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!!
19. Mark Doten, stuffed with…
20. Argentine marinated pork chops
21. I wont lie, preschoolers.
22. Cochinita Pibil (pit cooked suckling pig) in a sweet potato masa boat
23. Smoked marinated pork loin, in my friend David’s backyard, when the dragonflies are buzzing by and the cicadas sing
24. Smoked Turkey in all its incarnations
25. Chicken shwarma wrap with pickles and tahini and a little hot sauce
25 HIP HOP ALBUMS THAT HELP MAKE EXISTENCE WORTH THE TROUBLE (List 10 of 25)
1. Fugees - The Score
2. Public Enemy - Fear of a Black Planet
3. A Tribe Called Quest - Low End Theory
4. Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
5. Cali Agents - How the West Was One
6. Boogie Down Productions - Ghetto Music: The Blueprint of Hip Hop
7. Dr. Octagon - Octagonecologyst
8. Crown City Rockers - Earthtones
9. Digable Planets - Reachin'
10. Dr. Dre - 2001
11. Hieroglyphics - Full Circle
12. Ol Dirty Bastard - Nigga Please
13. Wu Tang Clan - The W
14. Zion i - Curb Servin
15. X-Clan - To the East Blackwards
16. Styles of Beyond - 2000 Fold
17. The Roots - Things Fall Apart
18. Black Star - S/T
19. Mos Def - Black on Both Sides
20. Genius/GZA - Liquid Swords
21. Control Machete - Uno, Dos: Bandera
22. TTC – Batards Sensibles
23. Diverse - One A.M.
24. Spank Rock - YoYoYoYoYoYo
25. Office Space - Soundtrack
1. The Aqualish
2. The Mon Calamari
3. The Gran (only the Kinyen Gran, not the Malastare Gran)
4. The Duros
5. The Sullastans
6. The Vietnamese
7. Faggots
8. Wookies
9. The Hutt
10. The Nautolans
11. The Ithorians
12. Whatever Louis Garrel is
13. The Twi'lek
14. The Bith
15. Mormons
16. The Chagrians
17. Puffins (I swear to fucking god!)
18. The Pau'an
19. The Wol Cabasshite
20. Guys who are willing to have 3somes
21. Morrissey, who may have been covered by a previous entry but must be classified as a separate species.
22. The Rodians
23. The Talz
24. This guy told my dad that the real reason we are in Iraq was because there is a fissure in the earth in Iraq where the Crab People can come to the surface and wreak havoc.
25. The Wu Tang
25 BOYS I LIKED IN HIGH SCHOOL AND WHERE I FANTASIZED ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH THEM AT THE TIME (LIST 7 OF 25)
1. Blake M, Mormon cross country runner/trumpet player, in the orchestra pit of the school theater and on my back porch (Blue Valley North HS)
2. Eric E, soccer player, in the grass and on the bleachers of the soccer fields after practice (BVN)
3. Shawn the wrestler, on the wrestling mats next to the gym (BVN)
4. Shawn that short blond kid, between the lockers on the benches in the locker room (BVN)
5. I'll call him "Mike", that guy who kept walking around naked in the shower/changing rooms next to the pool at the resort my parents used to take me to in the Ozarks in Missouri, on the deck of the hot tub and in the showers
6. Matthew, that boy a couple of years younger who came from another school to work on Annie Get Your Gun and he had incredible thighs, in the Cat Walks of the school theater (BVN)
7. Matt, some other senior guy who was in the chorus of Annie Get Your Gun, in the dressing rooms of the school theater (BVN)
8. Matt S, from theater, on the commons tables late at night (BVN)
9. Chad Allen, TV show OUR HOUSE, in the fictional back yard of their house
10. Wil Wheaton, Star Trek the Next Generation, in his fictional bedroom and the fictional Holodeck aboard the Enterprise NCC 1701 D
11. Robert D, tall and well hung, on a picnic table behind the school in the woods at night (Clear Lake HS)
12. Chad W, in his cross country shorts (for awhile) in the hall way in front of French class on day the school is closed or the cheap flimsy beds in the tiny gray hotel room we shared in Paris on the school French trip (CLHS)
13. Lee, really smooth and firm and short from PE class, in a broom closet while school was going on outside (CLHS)
14. Denver, god what a body from PE, the showers in the locker room (CLHS)
15. Paul, ass of a god from PE, EVERYWHERE!!! Seriously though (CLHS)
16. Kevin something, with blond curly hair and a body too well designed to be real, on a couch on the stage of the school theater at night (BVNHS)
17. Derek, the short sultry soccer player, in my shower and several pieces of furniture, at home (BVNHS)
18. Ryan, the skinny but super cute soccer player, on the stands of the soccer field (BVNHS)
19. Ryan G, the always smiling Varsity soccer player, on the desks of computer programming class (BVN)
20. Lars, the Norwegian exchange student who ran track and didn’t wear underwear, on my couch at home (BVN)
21. Chad Lowe from tv show Life Goes On, my kitchen at home
22. Joseph, pretty Chinese kid from Psych class, the pool of our apt complex at night (Clear Lake HS)
23. Matt S, Mormon, he used to walk his little dog by the apt wearing only the shortest tightest black shorts and nothing else OMG!!!, he must have known, right? on the dining room table (CLHS)
24. That tall Mexican boy with the pouty lips and the shiny hair in Puerta Vallarta making drinks at some restaurant, in a random imaginary dilapidated beach house on an old cot FOR HOURS!
25. Kelly Slater pro-surfer, in some imaginary California beach showers at sunset
25 SEXUAL UTTERANCES I HAVE UNLEASHED (List 8 of 25)
1. Oh fuck yeah, fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
2. YES! WRECK MY ASS WRECK IT!
3. Punish me! Ohhhhhhh, punish me!
4. THE WAR HAMMER!!!
5. Yes, yes, yes, I fucking love it!
6. Who’s a big boy now!!!
7. Empathy is vastly over rated!
8. I'll give you something to cry about!
9. Fuck me harder, harder, HARDER yes harder! DESTROY ME!
10. You feel so fucking good...
11. Ontogeny does not necessarily recapitulate phylogeny.
12. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!!!
13. le fouche le fouche le fouche
14. I'm a dirty slut, give me what I deserve!!!
15. That's great it starts with an earthquake, dogs snakes and aeroplanes!
16. I don't think I'm gonna be able to stand up for awhile after this…
17. あなたのバトックは私が住むことを望む惑星である!
18. Split me in 2, break me BREAK ME, PLEEEEEAAAASSSSE!!!
19. I've never sucked dick to the Cocteau Twins before!
20. Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come they will be done on earth as it is in heaven!
21. Are you sure you're not gay, because this sure feels like you are?
22. This is the best Ice Cream Party I have ever been to!
23. I DO NOT PAY YOU ENOUGH!
24. ... and what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born!
25. YES, LIKE LEMMINGS OFF A CLIFF!
25 Random Lists of 25 Things Goddammit! (Pork) vol. 9
25 WAYS TO EAT MEAT THAT KEEP ME FROM BEING A VEGETARIAN (List 9 of 25)
1. Memphis style pulled pork sandwich
2. Cuban Masitas del Puerco covered in minced garlic and sauteed onions
3. Bacon MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
4. Pork Bulgogi (Korean)
5. Chinese pan fried pork dumplings (pot stickers)
6. You lay face down and I eat shredded pork from between your ass cheeks
7. Chicken B'stilla (Morocco)
8. Ecuadoran Pork Tostado
9. Kielbasa
10. A Bratwurst on a bun with brown mustard
11. Aardvark
12. Pollo con Mole Poblano
13. Sopes de Tinga
14. Taquitos de carne asada
15. Homemade pork tamales
16. Vietnamese pork eggrolls
17. Vietnamese chargrilled pork with vermicelli
18. THAT FUCKING DOG, SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP NICKI YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!!
19. Mark Doten, stuffed with…
20. Argentine marinated pork chops
21. I wont lie, preschoolers.
22. Cochinita Pibil (pit cooked suckling pig) in a sweet potato masa boat
23. Smoked marinated pork loin, in my friend David’s backyard, when the dragonflies are buzzing by and the cicadas sing
24. Smoked Turkey in all its incarnations
25. Chicken shwarma wrap with pickles and tahini and a little hot sauce
25 HIP HOP ALBUMS THAT HELP MAKE EXISTENCE WORTH THE TROUBLE (List 10 of 25)
1. Fugees - The Score
2. Public Enemy - Fear of a Black Planet
3. A Tribe Called Quest - Low End Theory
4. Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
5. Cali Agents - How the West Was One
6. Boogie Down Productions - Ghetto Music: The Blueprint of Hip Hop
7. Dr. Octagon - Octagonecologyst
8. Crown City Rockers - Earthtones
9. Digable Planets - Reachin'
10. Dr. Dre - 2001
11. Hieroglyphics - Full Circle
12. Ol Dirty Bastard - Nigga Please
13. Wu Tang Clan - The W
14. Zion i - Curb Servin
15. X-Clan - To the East Blackwards
16. Styles of Beyond - 2000 Fold
17. The Roots - Things Fall Apart
18. Black Star - S/T
19. Mos Def - Black on Both Sides
20. Genius/GZA - Liquid Swords
21. Control Machete - Uno, Dos: Bandera
22. TTC – Batards Sensibles
23. Diverse - One A.M.
24. Spank Rock - YoYoYoYoYoYo
25. Office Space - Soundtrack
25 RANDOM LISTS OF 25 THINGS (1-5)
25 of My Favorite Albums (List 1 of 25)
(Only rule for myself: artist/band can only be listed once. In no particular order...)
01. Velvet Underground and Nico - ST
02. Nico - Marble Index
03. Joy Division - Closer or Substance
04. The Cure - Disintegration or Head on the Door or Pornography
05. Gang of Four - entertainment!
06. Lou Reed - Transformer
07. Xiu Xiu - Fabulous Muscles
08. Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
09. Squarepusher - Ultravisitor
10. Bauhaus - In the Flat Field
11. Bad Brains - ST
12. The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
13. Morrissey - You Are the Quarry or Viva Hate
14. Kronos Quartet - Kronos Quartet Performs Philip Glass
15. Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderly - ST
16. Various Artists (mostly Mulatu Astatke) - Ethiopiques Volume 4: Ethio Jazz & Musique Instrumentale, 1969-1974
17. Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
18. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
19. Iggy Pop - Lust For Life
20. Nick Drake - Pink Moon or Five Leaves Left
21. Health - S/T
22. My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
23. Ibrahim Ferrer - Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Ibrahim Ferrer
24. John Coltrane - Live at the Village Vanguard Again!
25. Diane Cluck - Oh Vanille/Ova Nil
* honorable mentions:
Sioxsie and the Banshees - Juju or A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Orchestra Baobab - Pirate's Choice
Ride - Nowhere
Death From Above 1979 - You're a Woman, I'm a Machine
Crystal Castles - ST
The Rapture - Echoes
Abe Vigoda - Skeleton
25 STUFFED ANIMALS SITTING AROUND MY HOUSE (List 2 of 25)
1. Green CTHULHU doll
2. Black CTHULHU doll
3. Chenille Bullfrog
4. 35 year old Owl owned by my deceased mother
5. Painted Bunting (Audubon realistic birds with bird call of the actual species of bird recorded by the Cornell lab of Ornithology)
6. Mountain Bluebird (Audubon)
7. Baltimore Oriole (Audubon)
8. Scissortail Flycatcher (Audubon)
9. realistic Pacific Giant Octopus
10. realistic Atlantic Stingray (Worldwildlife Fund adoption plushie)
11. realistic Giant Squid
12. realistic Blue Whale
13. realistic Sperm Whale puppet (Xmas gift from Eric)
14. Chenille Frowning Mini Teddy Bear with B-day hat and present
15. Ugly Doll - Icebat
16. Ugly Doll - Uglydog
17. Ugly Doll - Ox
18. Ugly Doll - Cinko
19. Ugly Doll - Toodee
20. Ugly Doll - Bop n Beep
21. Spotted Owl finger puppet
22. Deer Mouse finger puppet
23. Great White Shark finger puppet
24. Realistic Walrus
25. Patchwork Pig (from Crystal Caverns, MO)
25 FRUIT I'D HAVE TO TAKE INTO SPACE WITH ME (list 3 of 25)
1. Loganberries (Oregon Loganberries)
2. Red Grapefruit (from the Rio Grande Valley of Texas)
3. Dorados (tiny yellow bananas)
4. Regular bananas, you know
5. Braeburn Apples
6. Blood Oranges
7. Kumquats
8. Green Mangoes
9. Yellow Mangoes
10. California Longstem Strawberries
11. Yellow non-cling Peaches
12. Big Ass Watermelons
13. Chirimoya (the really big South American variety)
14. Passion fruit (the really big red South American variety)
15. Limes
16. Large Green Papayas
(I like eating them outside and throwing the seeds to the birds, not sure how i'd pull that in space. We'd have to have birds in the hydroponics bay.)
17. Giant FUCKING Pomegranates
18. Quince
19. Nectarines, yellow
20. Tomatillos
21. Red Table Grapes (seedless)
22. Pineapple
23. Granny Smith Apples (for cooking)
24. Really Large Starfruit
25. Cranberries
25 NAMES I WOULD LIKE TO NAME A BABY WHICH IS ONE MORE REASON WHY I SHOULD NEVER OWN A CHILD (List 4 of 25)
1. Boba Fett
2. Ocean
3. Persnicketty
4. Clam Bake
5. ENORMOUS FUCKING WATERMELON
6. Boys from high school who played soccer and whom I still lust after
7. Monkey biscuit
8. A Lemon and a Grape
9. Purple
10. Zac Efron
11. MACH SCHNELL!!!
12. Squirrelicious
13. Yourmotherwasawhore
14. Chimpanzees should not be pets
15. Speed Racer
16. Little Cunt
17. DennisFuckingCooper
18. Goldfish Lambshanks
19. Darth Maul
20. Nigga Please!
21. Concrete
22. Jesus Fucking Christ!
23. Catamite
24. Faggot
25. Heteronormative Discourse
25 THINGS I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT BEATING YOU TO DEATH WITH (List 5 of 25)
1. A hose filled with sand (because it’s in a Brand Nubian song)
2. A tire iron
3. A wooden baseball bat, fuck aluminum bats!
4. The chair leg in the back of my dad's truck, the one he brandished at the guy who backed into the carwash in front of him
5. An ax handle, an old one… with character
6. A bicycle chain
7. An ENORMOUS fucking watermelon!
8. Your own goddamn femur!
9. The tree branch under the back porch, the one shaped kind of like a giant hammer that I was smashing eggs with when I was 10
10. The sharp end of a claw hammer
11. You know that length of dry bamboo in the garage?
12. GROND! GROND! GROND! GROND!
13. A stuffed stoat (a weasel)
14. A series of terra cotta pots
15. A bronze lawn ornament toad with chemical treatment to create a patina to make it look old, but you just bought it at pottery barn. Why are you so fucking domestic now? It’s kind of a disappointment. I thought you were gonna be an artist or something.
16. A half frozen "hothouse" English cucumber
17. Your baby (it doesn’t have to be yours I guess)
18. My fists encased in steel
19. What is my fucking (heavy duty old school industrial) stapler doing on your desk?!
20. A softball sized agate shaped like a human heart
21. 3/4 inch steel pipe
22. Christopher Robin's skull
23. An antique desk lamp
24. love
25. The telephone, shut up shut up shut the fuck up!!!
(Only rule for myself: artist/band can only be listed once. In no particular order...)
01. Velvet Underground and Nico - ST
02. Nico - Marble Index
03. Joy Division - Closer or Substance
04. The Cure - Disintegration or Head on the Door or Pornography
05. Gang of Four - entertainment!
06. Lou Reed - Transformer
07. Xiu Xiu - Fabulous Muscles
08. Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
09. Squarepusher - Ultravisitor
10. Bauhaus - In the Flat Field
11. Bad Brains - ST
12. The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
13. Morrissey - You Are the Quarry or Viva Hate
14. Kronos Quartet - Kronos Quartet Performs Philip Glass
15. Nancy Wilson/Cannonball Adderly - ST
16. Various Artists (mostly Mulatu Astatke) - Ethiopiques Volume 4: Ethio Jazz & Musique Instrumentale, 1969-1974
17. Blackalicious - Blazing Arrow
18. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
19. Iggy Pop - Lust For Life
20. Nick Drake - Pink Moon or Five Leaves Left
21. Health - S/T
22. My Bloody Valentine - Loveless
23. Ibrahim Ferrer - Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Ibrahim Ferrer
24. John Coltrane - Live at the Village Vanguard Again!
25. Diane Cluck - Oh Vanille/Ova Nil
* honorable mentions:
Sioxsie and the Banshees - Juju or A Kiss in the Dreamhouse
Orchestra Baobab - Pirate's Choice
Ride - Nowhere
Death From Above 1979 - You're a Woman, I'm a Machine
Crystal Castles - ST
The Rapture - Echoes
Abe Vigoda - Skeleton
25 STUFFED ANIMALS SITTING AROUND MY HOUSE (List 2 of 25)
1. Green CTHULHU doll
2. Black CTHULHU doll
3. Chenille Bullfrog
4. 35 year old Owl owned by my deceased mother
5. Painted Bunting (Audubon realistic birds with bird call of the actual species of bird recorded by the Cornell lab of Ornithology)
6. Mountain Bluebird (Audubon)
7. Baltimore Oriole (Audubon)
8. Scissortail Flycatcher (Audubon)
9. realistic Pacific Giant Octopus
10. realistic Atlantic Stingray (Worldwildlife Fund adoption plushie)
11. realistic Giant Squid
12. realistic Blue Whale
13. realistic Sperm Whale puppet (Xmas gift from Eric)
14. Chenille Frowning Mini Teddy Bear with B-day hat and present
15. Ugly Doll - Icebat
16. Ugly Doll - Uglydog
17. Ugly Doll - Ox
18. Ugly Doll - Cinko
19. Ugly Doll - Toodee
20. Ugly Doll - Bop n Beep
21. Spotted Owl finger puppet
22. Deer Mouse finger puppet
23. Great White Shark finger puppet
24. Realistic Walrus
25. Patchwork Pig (from Crystal Caverns, MO)
25 FRUIT I'D HAVE TO TAKE INTO SPACE WITH ME (list 3 of 25)
1. Loganberries (Oregon Loganberries)
2. Red Grapefruit (from the Rio Grande Valley of Texas)
3. Dorados (tiny yellow bananas)
4. Regular bananas, you know
5. Braeburn Apples
6. Blood Oranges
7. Kumquats
8. Green Mangoes
9. Yellow Mangoes
10. California Longstem Strawberries
11. Yellow non-cling Peaches
12. Big Ass Watermelons
13. Chirimoya (the really big South American variety)
14. Passion fruit (the really big red South American variety)
15. Limes
16. Large Green Papayas
(I like eating them outside and throwing the seeds to the birds, not sure how i'd pull that in space. We'd have to have birds in the hydroponics bay.)
17. Giant FUCKING Pomegranates
18. Quince
19. Nectarines, yellow
20. Tomatillos
21. Red Table Grapes (seedless)
22. Pineapple
23. Granny Smith Apples (for cooking)
24. Really Large Starfruit
25. Cranberries
25 NAMES I WOULD LIKE TO NAME A BABY WHICH IS ONE MORE REASON WHY I SHOULD NEVER OWN A CHILD (List 4 of 25)
1. Boba Fett
2. Ocean
3. Persnicketty
4. Clam Bake
5. ENORMOUS FUCKING WATERMELON
6. Boys from high school who played soccer and whom I still lust after
7. Monkey biscuit
8. A Lemon and a Grape
9. Purple
10. Zac Efron
11. MACH SCHNELL!!!
12. Squirrelicious
13. Yourmotherwasawhore
14. Chimpanzees should not be pets
15. Speed Racer
16. Little Cunt
17. DennisFuckingCooper
18. Goldfish Lambshanks
19. Darth Maul
20. Nigga Please!
21. Concrete
22. Jesus Fucking Christ!
23. Catamite
24. Faggot
25. Heteronormative Discourse
25 THINGS I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT BEATING YOU TO DEATH WITH (List 5 of 25)
1. A hose filled with sand (because it’s in a Brand Nubian song)
2. A tire iron
3. A wooden baseball bat, fuck aluminum bats!
4. The chair leg in the back of my dad's truck, the one he brandished at the guy who backed into the carwash in front of him
5. An ax handle, an old one… with character
6. A bicycle chain
7. An ENORMOUS fucking watermelon!
8. Your own goddamn femur!
9. The tree branch under the back porch, the one shaped kind of like a giant hammer that I was smashing eggs with when I was 10
10. The sharp end of a claw hammer
11. You know that length of dry bamboo in the garage?
12. GROND! GROND! GROND! GROND!
13. A stuffed stoat (a weasel)
14. A series of terra cotta pots
15. A bronze lawn ornament toad with chemical treatment to create a patina to make it look old, but you just bought it at pottery barn. Why are you so fucking domestic now? It’s kind of a disappointment. I thought you were gonna be an artist or something.
16. A half frozen "hothouse" English cucumber
17. Your baby (it doesn’t have to be yours I guess)
18. My fists encased in steel
19. What is my fucking (heavy duty old school industrial) stapler doing on your desk?!
20. A softball sized agate shaped like a human heart
21. 3/4 inch steel pipe
22. Christopher Robin's skull
23. An antique desk lamp
24. love
25. The telephone, shut up shut up shut the fuck up!!!
