A STRING OF THINGS I SAID WHEN NO ONE WAS THERE

(i guess i'll clean this shit up later)

part I

1.

i can tell
you're bored with me
now.

old leather
callouses into familiar shapes
and you can see
what it is
more clearly
now.
what was so supple
at first.

new lovers
always seem so remarkable,
incredible people really.
now you see me
for what
I am.
nothing much,
really.

2.

it's like I'm just
sitting now.
sitting in a passenger seat.
quiet.

3.

our conversation
ended.
"TTYL"
our conversation ended.
you ended it.

it always seems so impersonal
now. too...
casual.
perhaps.

4.

you've become
and expert
at
maintaining
a proper
distance
---------
protective
barrier


part II

1.

I keep establishing father figures whom i want
approval from, that's my pattern.

NO WAIT, that's not true.

i seem to want approval from everyone always,actually.
this is my predictable pattern, but the father figure thing
is a recurring theme.
(audible sigh, prolonged)
what the fuck is the matter with me?

2.

i dont like who i am
when i like someone.

3.

this is probably going to kill me.
seriously.
boys.


part III

1.

my mother
told me not to say
i hate(d)
things people things people situations
i used to have a friend
(no really!)
who would always say
"hate's a strong word",
when I'd say
i hated _______.
hate.
hate.
hate.
hate.
hate.
hate
hate.
i hate that shit.

2.

i thought maybe
a cup of coffee would make me feel
better.
maybe some comfort food

eh. sometimes.

caffeine don't make up for it.
sometimes.

3.

stupid shit

ASS|FOOD|RELIEF i have learned that there are
things you don't get in the way of with a man.
thats what happened with you
father figure.